Published on November 8th, 2011 | by Queso0
Can We Talk About: Zombies
I was at work a few days ago and, for some reason, the thought of zombies popped into my head. It wasn’t, “oh my goodness, zombies!” but, “WTF, zombies?” Maybe it’s because the trend over the past few years, in video games and movies, has swung towards zombies or Halloween was approaching, but I just realized how stupid that idea is.
First of all, what are zombies? The living dead? Re-animated bodies? Okay, what do these “re-animated, living dead” people want? Well, that depends. I think the consensus is that they want living humans; whether flesh, brains, or both, who knows? Some might even say they just want living creatures. Well, this raises a couple of the many questions that could be asked about zombies . . .
1) Does that desire for flesh (or brains) make them absolutely oblivious to everything else, including each other?
You ever notice how blindly driven zombies are? They don’t even interact with each other in their pursuit of fooood. If they are so hungry or bloodthirsty, they should occasionally fight each other for that prize. One person isn’t going to fill 100+ zombies. And when nothings around, they just zone out. How about you guys play a game of cards, checkers, maybe even ro sham bo to pass the time.
And an even funnier is the question:
2) What happens once they catch that person?
I guess, in many cases we don’t know, but it seems one of three things: a) on rare occasion, they will eat the person; b) that person will become a zombie; or c) they will dismember the body and leave the remains.
I can’t think of any specific example of zombie eating a person, but I know in Left 4 Dead, the zombies just kill you and leave you lying there. In the upcoming Resident Evil game, Raccoon City, if you’re bitten, you may actually become a zombie.
Now, I know being bitten will turn you into a zombie (I assume it’s the infectious enzymes), but what determines when a person disappears in a pack of zombies, whether they will be eaten, dismembered, or become a zombie. Hm . . . I have a theory.
You will only be consumed if you’re just the right flavor. Zombies have to bite you to determine if you’re right for their particular taste, so if you’re not, you’ll just become a zombie. BUT, if you pissed off the zombies or are a douch (zombies can sense this), they won’t give you the honor of joining them and just fuck you up.
So, I want to propose an idea: make a zombie movie/game with zombies that make sense. I can see it. Zombies that are only violently aggressive when they’re hungry (or provoked). Otherwise, they can . . . somewhat function in society. Ya know, simple tasks. Zombie movers? Sure. Mow your lawn? Why not. Walk your dog? Well, assuming they aren’t hungry, otherwise you may not get a dog back.
You know what! Forget it! Let’s just get off zombies. They’re a stupid idea anyway. I’m sure there’s another trend coming soon. More developers are probably thinking of how to make a game with vampires or something.
By the way, shout out to Dead Snow for zombies with a motivation. And, of course, shout out to Resident Evil for having zombies without having zombies. Ya know–the whole virus . . . er, parasite? Um . . . whatever; they’re infected!
Wait . . . aren’t zombies infected? Dammit!