Pep Talk

Published on February 27th, 2012 | by Pep

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Pep Talk: Special Edition, Part 1

What’s going on people? Yes, your right, its Pep and I am here with the 1st “Special Edition” of Pep Talk or as I like to call it, Pep’s closet of stupidity. What is it you ask? It’s a Pep Talk with more than just one main target that has more burns in it then a 20 year porn vet has ever had. So let it begin:

 

 

We are starting off with the Doctor himself, Dr. Dre. As fans, we know that we should be patient with artists and the release of their albums. We understand most of them are perfectionists when it comes to their work and that’s understandable, but I believe Dre has officially procrastinated too long. We all know about Detox, and I want to say it was announced in early 2002…It’s 2012. There is a lot of speculation on the internet why Detox hasn’t come out. I will be the person who tells you the truth. He is too busy trying to sell people HP laptops and his dumb Beats headphones. People from his camp have said: “He is helping produce other artists.” LIES! He is too busy throwing paint at people’s heads in commercials and wearing a new age StormTrooper mask in an empty studio. Now we have to probably wait four more years because they just announced Rick Ross is now helping with the album. No surprise. Why wouldn’t Dre’s new best friend be on the album.

Rick Ross’s birthday passed almost a month ago and it’s funny because Dre went and bought Rick Ross a $100,000 Hulbot watch. Why is it funny? Because Dre also got 50 Cent a similar watch a while back and we know how 50 feels about Ross. The Doc earned his money and we can’t tell him how to spend it. Still, if he wanted to spend that much on Mr. Ross, he should of just got him some liposuction or a Jenny Craig enrollment…something along the line of that; maybe even hook him up with some HGH that he is surely taking himself.  I am tired of seeing Rick Ross with no shirt or a shirt that he forgot to button and his gut all exposed.

His famous grunt in the background of the songs is not intentional, but him in the studio sunk in a couch while Meek Mills and Wale are doing their thing, then one of them turns and says: “You want in?” In reply, Ross grunts to try and get up and gets closer to the mic and then they realize he is out of breath from the adventure of getting up, and tell him to just sit back down and he grunts on his way down. Meek and Wale, confused, look to DJ Khaled and he says: “We da best!” Both look to each other and agree about needing a more serious label.

Nevertheless, let’s get back to Dre…This Pep Talk is for him. Dre, you should just forget it, and give the beats you have to Kendrick Lamar. Let Slaughter House have some and just keep producing and selling headphones. It’s not like you need the money when you’re buying a watch for a guy who can’t even fit it on his wrist. The way I see it, the longer you wait, the greater the expectations. When it finally comes out, if it’s not the best thing ever heard, it will be a greater disappointment than L.A.S.E.R.S., so just keep producing. Moving on to the next person: Old Lady J.LO.

Jennifer Lopez, like your relationships, this will not take long. You have two kids and your 42 years old. You just got divorced for the third time, and like Alex Rodriguez in a win or go home scenario, you’re out! That hasn’t stopped you from trying again…You just went out and got a new 24 year-old. There was a time that you were the “it” person in Hollywood and everybody kept talking about your ass. However, like I said before, you are 42 and your boyfriend is 24.

Let’s be real here, you think he sees your ass, but he is looking at your money. Please don’t marry him; not for me, but for your kids, because if you do, in a few more years when your ass finally droops down and it can touch the back of your knee caps, he wont be around. He will be turning 25, taking your money, and leaving your kids, leaving you to be one broke mom with a droopy butt. So do your kids and yourself a favor, stay single because love came by you 3 times already and you couldn’t get it right. Enjoy your kids and relax with your money. That is it for her. Don’t worry, she is used to men moving on. Next up is Chris Brown, but I have a message for the NFL. You can’t have the performer at the Superbowl half-time show be older then the Superbowl itself–

UPDATE: Yo! This is Boman. We gotta go to commercial. We’ll be back with more Pep Talk. Check back shortly for Part 2 of the Special Edition.

 

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  • N.O.S TEAM

    Funny article, shout out to LUKBIGO, other than that, these so called creative writing majors need to step up there editing skills, there’s a typo first sentence……. I LOVE YOU PEP!!

    • Chris

      and who Da fuk care about little typos this shit is great

  • Chris

    damn i dont kno whats funnier the jlo ass touching knee caps or the rick ross shit man this is to much

  • darksider

    MAN DETOX IS A MYTH IT ISNT REAL AND WHY YOU GUYS BASH ON LASER SO MUCH IT WASNT THAT BAD AND MMG IS A GREAT LABEL MTV SAID RICK ROSS IS THE HOTTEST MC SO NOW WHAT BUT I LIKE AT THE TOP WHERE YOU SAID burns in it then a 20 year porn vet has ever had. THAT SHIT WAS RIGHT IM STEALING THAT AND USIN IT IN A SONG OF MINES BUT ILL GIVE YOU CATS CREDIT

    • Tate

      what are you talking about Rick Ross is Dog shit the man is trash i dont see why you people are on his nuts

  • colin

    Yes Lmfao my nigga did his thing on this ain’t nobody safe in here good shit

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